Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
