he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
