my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
