addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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