Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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