Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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