She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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