I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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