i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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