the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Come see our sink grown plant.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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