Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
