So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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