The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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