Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
