i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
