I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
