Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
