I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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