her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
