your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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