her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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