Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
