i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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