he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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