this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
