If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
