i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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