I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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