i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Less talking, more tequila
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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