he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize