the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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