When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize