Got a toothbrush?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
