Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
