Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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