wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
