anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
