Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
