There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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