At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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