I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
