nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize