Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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