Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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