someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
