when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
