I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
