then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
