i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
