Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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