i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
