life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
