If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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