I am in a vortex of obligation.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize