My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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