i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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