Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
