its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
